Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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