I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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