My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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