I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
