so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
