i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
