You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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