Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
