I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
