We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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