my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
