I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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