dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
