What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
