whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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