maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
