if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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