I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
