There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
