It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
