finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
