even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
