i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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