Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
