She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize