just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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