i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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