just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I believe in your delicious
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
