Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
