Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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