That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
