My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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