my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
