Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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