and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
