you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
