Someone shit on the floor
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
