I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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