I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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