Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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