just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
