You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
