Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I would ride that face into the sunset
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
