Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
