Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
