Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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