Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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