I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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