dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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