And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
