On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
