please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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