he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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