My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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