I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
