It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
