your thong is hanging out like whoa
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
