yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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